Monster Under The Bed: A Public Service Announcement From MUTT
The following public service message is presented to you via courtesy of MUTT (Monster Under The Bed). Although we admit no personal responsibility for childhood tendencies toward thumb-sucking, bed-wetting or other trauma related activities, we do understand certain concepts of concern. Herein is our hope: That you and your family benefit much from the following simplified statement of fact.
Due to the alarming increase in bed-wetting, thumb-sucking, and other trauma related childhood incidents; sleepless and exasperated moms have determined to make an end to the ancient but irrational fear of the so-called “Monster Under The Bed,” perhaps better known in modern circles as MUTT.
Henceforth all references to the monster under the bed will be identified by the morpheme of MUTT (this existing title being more easily pronounced than is the proper acronym of MUTB). Consider also the indirect application of this particular term as it relates to a shared slimming trait that feels similar to the wet-nosed smearing habit of a common canine group first known to have popularized use of the progressive term “MUTT.” Had those dumb troublemakers thought to register the MUTT trademark, we would no doubt have taken a different group naming morpheme. However, in the current environment, it seems that monsters under the bed win the trademark and the day. Thus let the sharp nosed sniffers keep their teeth and their prowling to themselves.
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Monster Under The Bed (MUTT) – An Acknowledged Fantasy Creature
Both state and federal lawmakers have been put on public notice. “Enough is enough,” shout the angry moms. Even as discussion panels frantically seek to develop useful solutions to the problem, initial university reports have isolated additional dangers to be associated with senseless reactions to MUTT, an acknowledged fantasy creature.
One recent, and alarming discovery links childhood ankle injuries to the unsuccessful efforts of disoriented children who struggle to maintain air stability while avoiding floor contact as they rush from mattress surface to the nearest exterior doorway. It seems that they assume safety resides within the internal light switch mechanism. Thankfully, caring and concerned insurance companies have already addressed this aspect of the problem. Rates have been promptly, if reluctantly, increased.
Still, the situation has surpassed epidemic proportions. Parents and children alike must be sufficiently informed concerning this ridiculous MUTT phobia. New laws are an absolute necessity, and are even at this moment being enacted. However, conditions are RED. As a short-term alternative to legal injunctions against careless parents, your government officials offer the following public service safety announcement.
Step by Step Procedure Disproves Existence of MUTT, More Commonly Defined As Monster Under The Bed.
1) Locate any standard bed, width and length is unimportant. It is suggested that the bed have legs – some test subjects have rightly argued that no self-respecting MUTT could crawl beneath a legless bed.
2) Acquire the assistance of any small child – three to twelve years in age being most acceptable. Rumor confirms that those over twelve have taken on a nature of disbelief with regards to the MUTT.
3) Position the bed in a shadowy environment. Inside or outside is of no major consequence.
4) Instruct the test subject in basic sleep “feigning”, and then darken the room. If outside, merely wait until nightfall. Tip: tradition implies that the Monster Under The Bed is quick to respond to the “off-click” of a light switch.
5) Simmer…. Err, let the test subject relax and nap for one half hour, and then coach him or her into an upright position with both legs dangling over the edge of the bed. Toes should be slightly above floor level, heels fully displayed, and ankles bare.
6) At this point you should leave the immediate vicinity. Children are quick to recognize the MUTTs reluctance to appear in the presence of an adult.
Now comes the most difficult part….
… I’m sorry. Our time for this session has expired. Please forgive us this error in planning. Leave the experiment as is. We will continue our instructions with morning light. Avoid all creatures and have a pleasant night and a sound sleep.
See you at sunrise.
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